This is a post about how to avoid au pair horror stories.
Essential Advice for a Great Experience
I say that a lot around here, but being an au pair can be one of the most rewarding and life-changing experiences of your life. It’s a unique opportunity to immerse yourself in a new culture, improve your language skills and build lasting friendships abroad. However, it’s also easy to make mistakes, especially when you’re new to the experience.
Here are some common pitfalls to avoid as an au pair, helping you make the most out of your time abroad.
Perpetual Rush
I was an au pair in 3 countries when I was very young. For some reason I seemed to be in some kind of a major rush to get to a destination I did not know then. I just knew I wanted to go, it didn’t matter how or where to! Now that I’m older and, I like to think, a bit wiser, I speak to many young women who are looking to become au pairs or are already living this adventure and have a much different perspective.
It’s been many years but the rush is still there. I see it in so many of these young folks I speak to. The problem with being in a rush is that you don’t weigh in your options. You might choose the first family that comes around not knowing if they’re right for you. Or you might be running for something instead of dealing with it (newsflash: your problems tend to go with you!). Or you just don’t make the best decisions for you because you want to make the quickest one.
Take your time! Before you sign up for this, have a think. Why do you want to do this? Really sit with the question and think about it. That will help inform all of the decisions you’ll have to make in the process of becoming an au pair and way beyond that.
Also remember to talk about what YOUR expectations are! Chances are, your host parents won’t be mind readers. So it’s important to let them know what you want to get out of this too. It’s a shared experience! You’re not leaving your country, friends and family and all that you know just to work for someone else. Besides, that’ll help the family understand more about who you are and help both parties identify whether you’re a good match or not.
Choosing a Host Family Too Quickly
Finding the right host family is a crucial step. Many au pairs rush into this decision because they’re excited about moving abroad. However, choosing your family too quickly can lead to incompatibility. Spend time communicating, asking plenty of questions and listening carefully. Ask about their lifestyle, parenting style, house rules, expectations. What are the kids like? What would be your routine? Can you speak to their previous au pair if they had one?
Trust your gut feeling – if something doesn’t feel right, keep looking.
Not Clarifying Expectations Early On
Speaking of communicating with the host family… One of the biggest mistakes new au pairs make is not clearly discussing expectations from the very start. Every family has different needs and routines and assuming anything could lead to misunderstandings later. Be clear about your working hours, days off, chores and specific duties regarding childcare and household tasks. Having an open conversation from the beginning will save you a lot of stress and ensure everyone is on the same page.
Besides, chances are you’re going to a country with a culture different from yours. Both host family and au pair need to understand that and be open to the fact that likely they’ll have different ways of doing things!
You won’t learn everything about each other right from the beginning but knowing what to expect is crucial!
Read more: Questions You Need to Ask Your Host Family Before Matching
Not Setting Boundaries
Living and working in the same environment can blur lines between personal and professional life. A common mistake is not setting clear boundaries early on. You should feel comfortable discussing your personal space, privacy and free time with your host family. Establish times when you’re ‘off-duty’ so that you’re not expected to work or be constantly available. Clearly set boundaries help maintain your mental health and happiness.
It goes back to communication and expectation – define that early on before matching. Some families won’t be able to give you a set routine and will need some flexibility. How much flexibility? Does it go both ways?
Boundaries also is a two-way street and you should respect that of the host family as well. Do they want an au pair who wants to be part of the family or who wants to just do their work and go off to do their own thing? That’s another topic of pre-match discussion. There’s no right and wrong here, it’s more about the match.
Forgetting to Communicate Openly
Communication is key for every successful au pair-host family relationship. Many issues can escalate simply because au pairs don’t feel comfortable voicing their concerns or problems openly. Always speak up kindly and honestly. Whether it’s about feeling overwhelmed, needing more clarity on your responsibilities or even about minor things like food preferences. Open communication will build trust and lead to a healthier relationship.
Once again, different cultures will communicate differently and no one has a crystal ball. What in your country is something basic, maybe in your host country no one thinks about. If you want/need something from your host family, ask. If something’s not right, have a friendly, open and honest conversation. Chances are, it’s a misunderstanding. Remember: your host parents are people too and they won’t have all the answers!
Ignoring Cultural Differences
Living abroad means encountering cultural differences every day. Ignoring these differences or expecting things to be similar to home can lead to frustration and misunderstandings. Keep an open mind and embrace cultural curiosity. Make an effort to learn about local customs, traditions and social norms. Remember that differences aren’t wrong, just different.
You don’t have to change everything about you but definitely respect your host country and the people around you.
Not Managing Your Money Wisely
Being an au pair usually means living on a limited allowance. A common mistake is overspending in the initial excitement of living in a new country. Learn to budget wisely, keeping track of your expenses, setting aside money for trips and emergencies. Take advantage of discounted activities, free local events and low-cost transportation options. Wise financial planning can make a huge difference in how much you can enjoy your year abroad.
I used to literally spend money like there was no tomorrow. But tomorrow always came and I was always broke. Once I missed out on FREE COURT SIDE TICKETS to the Knicks @ Madison Square Garden (iconic!) because I couldn’t afford the train journey in and out of the city. Couldn’t afford because I had bought a bunch of junk I didn’t need. It’s what I knew then! I was 19 and obviously wasn’t expected to have all the answers! But here I am many years later giving you the advice I wish I had received back then.
On a different note, we’ve all heard au pair horror stories. Having to flee the host family, missing the last train home, being robbed… anything can happen (although some of these are more extreme and not that common). It’s important to have a safety net if you need it. I was fired from my first au pair job and had $17 to my name. A LOT could’ve gone wrong… fortunately it all worked out in the end. The days between that and when I flew across the country to live with my new host family were very difficult though.
Failing to Make Connections With and Beyond the Family
Connecting with your host family is not only important but can be so rewarding! It’ll help you get to know each other too. That should improve the living environment and it’s what the programme should really be about: the cultural experience! I love reading stories about au pairs and host families who matched so well they became a second family to each other.
I lived with different families and they were all great but my German one was incredible! I learnt so much from them! I learnt different ways of being, of living, of parenting, of communicating… I’ll never forget the day my host dad told me I was the daughter they never had. I was far from perfect – I wasn’t very clever at times – but we communicated. I cried my eyes out when I had to leave!
While it’s important to bond with your host family, making connections beyond them is equally crucial. Many au pairs regret isolating themselves and missing opportunities to build friendships and support networks. Look for local au pair groups, join language courses or find a hobby club. Having your own social life outside your host family’s circle can greatly improve your overall experience and prevent loneliness.
Nowadays there are loads of Facebook groups exclusively for au pairs! Or even hobby groups like hiking, volleyball, book club, etc. – just search by area. I’d also recommend joining MeetUp for similar groups.
Neglecting Self-Care and Personal Health
It’s easy to neglect your well-being when you’re focused on the family’s needs. Overworking, feeling homesick or experiencing stress can seriously affect your mental and physical health. Take regular breaks, stay active, eat healthily, and make sure to schedule time for yourself. Recognise when you’re feeling overwhelmed and prioritise your mental health. It’s essential for your long-term enjoyment and effectiveness as an au pair! Speak to your host family if you need help.
In the US I gained SO much weight!! And it’s not about aesthetics, it’s about health. My skin started to break out, my hair was super dry and lifeless. I had to buy a whole bunch of new clothes! I was eating a lot of junk on top of having an eating disorder. But I didn’t know better. I wasn’t able to recognise I needed help. If I could give a simple piece of advice to my old self: go for daily walks. I had the time, I was in a safe area with a beautiful park and my kid would’ve enjoyed it too! It would’ve been good both for my body and my mind.
Avoiding Language Learning Opportunities
One of the greatest benefits of being an au pair is improving your language skills. Yet, many au pairs shy away from immersing themselves fully. It might feel comfortable staying in the bubble of your native language, but this can limit your experience. Push yourself to communicate in the local language, take classes and speak regularly with locals. It will significantly enrich your au pair journey.
When I moved to the US I already spoke English and I LOVED speaking it! So I wasn’t shy about it. I also practiced a lot before moving. When I moved to Germany, however, it was a different story… first of all, most people speak English. I was meant to speak to the kids in English as they were going to an international school. Most of my friends were American or Irish. I attended a German course right at the beginning. It wasn’t really easy but I did learn a lot along the way. However, it took me about SEVEN MONTHS to finally have the courage to speak it. I’d go to the shop knowing what I had to say but then I’d open my mount and “Sprechen Sie Englisch?”.
I could’ve learnt German a lot more and better had I applied myself. But I was comfortable speaking English. And back to the rush at the top here, I didn’t think about what I wanted.
Read more: 7 Fun and Easy Tips For Learning a Language On Your Own
Not Exploring Your Host Country Enough
Your time abroad as an au pair is limited. Don’t waste this unique opportunity by staying inside your comfort zone or home. Use your days off wisely – explore your city, visit nearby towns, try new foods. Immerse yourself in the local culture. Not taking advantage of your surroundings is a common regret many former au pairs have.
A “bonus” mistake that tends to happen is au pairs waiting for company to go out. Although it’s great to share these moments with your new friends, if you keep waiting for company, your au pair year might fly by while you stay home waiting!
Read more: How to Become an Au Pair: Your Starting Guide
Avoiding these common au pair mistakes can dramatically enhance your experience abroad. By getting organised and informed, you’ll create unforgettable memories and friendships that last a lifetime. Remember, the best au pair experiences are built on open communication, cultural curiosity and clear expectations.
This was a post about how to avoid au pair horror stories.